So many people have not mastered the art of not giving a shit and it takes a toll on our emotional and mental health. Social media has made it even harder to not give a shit when everything is right in your face and the algorithm brings you more of what you look at the most. There’s drama all around us and it’s difficult not getting caught up in it. I find myself championing for worthy causes and getting into arguments with people I don’t even know in real life. So exactly how do we not give a shit what people think? Let’s talk about it and see how I can help you with this shall we?

The subtle art of not giving a shit takes practice and time. If you are an empathetic and sensitive person, it can make it difficult not to get involved but where do we draw the line? What causes are worthy of our frustrations and what causes are we screaming at with no real movement on the part of those we are trying to convince? If we add to this that we may be a part of a marginalized group(s), things can get out of hand very quickly. Let’s start with the simple. What do you feel like when you are contributing to a conversation? This is tricky because we typically have high emotions about things we are passionate about so I urge you to look at things like anxiety, joy, peace, aggression, rumination, general feelings of ill repute, and general feelings of happiness. Are you looking for validation of what you know to be true and factual or are you defending and trying to protect yourself from the discomfort of having to explore if what you believe is factual and true for you as you are now. Some things are objective truth and others are subjective. We need to do the work to see where these things are coming from.

I have a rule that I do not argue with people, I have open minded discussions with people. I seek to express my opinion and listen to the opinions of others. As long as those opinions are not based in misinformation and denial of the humanity of others. If someone is holding to their stance against all scientific data, lived experiences of others, and facts then chances are you are in an unproductive argument and you are going to end up mad and drained at the end of it all.

I encourage you to tune into yourself during those moments. If you are on social media, type your response and then pause before you send it. Read it and then decide whether it’s worth sending. Sometimes it may be, sometimes it won’t. This applies to text messages and emails as well, so any form of written communication. Next, I encourage you to truly look at what you are “fighting” for. Are you coming from the truth of the situation that’s got you stirred up or a past situation that you are pulling into this one? We are the sum of our experiences and efforts to change. We will have times when we are reacting to the past and not the present. It will do you good to ask yourself this question when you are worked up over something. If this is you, don’t be discouraged. You can’t change something that you didn’t know about. You can begin today, always start with a pause when you feel that rush that pushes you to react immediately. You don’t have to jump in headfirst.

If you are passionate about something, you give a shit about it. Remember that when going into discussions about things. Some things just aren’t worth your energy and the sooner you realize that you are giving all of your energy to Randall who believes that women should cook, clean, have sex, and birth babies at the demand of their men AND he has absolutely no effect on your life, the sooner you’ll not get in the ring with him. It serves no purpose and you’ve wasted energy that could better be used to help someone who wants to change. I said all of that to say, gauge whether a thing is worth your time. HOT TIP: Most things that involve stranger on social media that get you very upset aren’t worth your time and time is valuable. Advocating for others is still very important as well as addressing misinformation and I encourage you to take a break to allow yourself to stay connected to the energy you want to exist in.

The art of not giving a shit is difficult but it is worth it. Taking the time to ask yourself “Is this worth my time” will save you a lot of trouble in the end. You can care deeply about some shit and not at all about other shit. It’s up to you but don’t let anyone dictate what you choose to care about when your peace is most important. Stand up for yourself and others, be kind, and don’t get pulled into giving a shit about something or someone that doesn’t give a shit about you. Thanks for reading!

Want some help with not giving a shit? I’m the coach for you, book your Complimentary Session to see if we are a good fit to help you not give a shit about things that do not add value to your life.

My relationship with my body has evolved over the years. I think that this is a thing that a lot of people experience but the critique of the female form is especially difficult to have to contend with. I remember being young and convinced that I “wasn’t thick enough”. During the 90s, being thick was the thing in rural west Tennessee and it was hyped by music and the culture. I have never been thick and it took me a while to realize that I didn’t want to be either. I was going by what everyone else wanted from my body and I wanted to be accepted.

This originated from the things I experienced as a child. Very early on I experienced violations that convinced me that what others wanted from my body was far more important than what I wanted for my own body. The road to healing and self reclamation has not been an easy one. I had to decipher what was me and what was everyone else. A lot of times their voices were far louder than my own.

When I landed in the church in my late teens after following a friend there, those voices became something that I trusted without question. That lack of questioning came with time and tactics of silencing the inner wisdom of people that occurs in the churches that I attended. However, the culture influenced me heavily and I became obsessed with being “feminine enough” because that would get me a good husband and God’s approval finally. I’m nonbinary and gay y’all…& a prime example of how compulsory heteronormativity stunts people’s authentic expressions of love and bodily freedom.

I’ve known that I did not identify with the gender binary & wasn’t heterosexual since I was very young as well. My expression is based on what I feel comfortable in above all else. My clothing and hair choices have always been rooted in my uniqueness but the desire to be pleasing to God & society hindered that deeply until recently. All of this kept me strangely outside of my body & I had to fight to fully settle back into who I am, body, mind, and soul.

I have tried a lot of different things to heal from wounds both past & present. Body work has been one of the most beneficial in helping me to release things that I didn’t even know where there. In this post I will talk about all of the types of body work I have tried & the ones I’ve found most beneficial for me. I encourage you to find practices that work for you because at the end of the day, you’re the one that will have to do them. Take what is useful & leave the rest.

None of this constitutes medical or psychiatric advice. Please consult with your licensed professionals before trying any of this for yourself.

Yoga & Chanting

I put this into play much later in my experience with body work. I was very intentional about the type of yoga I wanted to practice. Since I resisted it so much, I thought my resistance was telling me that I needed to give it a go. I believe that what we resist the most is often a key to open a door to healing. So after searching online in my area I was disappointed at first. Then one day I had a thought to search again, just for good measure. I happened upon a yoga instructor who was willing to work 1 on 1 & not charge an arm & a leg. This has honestly been one of the best practices that I have picked up. It allowed for the free flow of emotions without the rigidity of holding on to postures that my body didn’t want to be in or couldn’t get into. My teacher flowed with wherever I was in the moment.

Exercise

Exercise is helpful to me in releasing pent up frustrations or breathing through them but do be mindful that your body produces chemicals during exertion that could trigger you. Not everyone enjoys the burn but if you find that it helps with coping and processing things, have at it.

Massage & Cupping

A lot of people enjoy massages. They can be very soothing & help with relaxation & getting out of our heads. There are many different types of massage and some are not the gentle massage we often think about. I also enjoy massage & have used it to help release tension in the body. I also had cupping done which, due to the tension I was holding in my body was painful. I had to do more work with trigger points in order to see results with cupping and began focusing more on that because I found it to be the most helpful for my body.

Acupuncture

My experience with acupuncture was brief although I will say that the needling helped to relieve some intense anxiety that I had going on during that time. It is for this reason that it made it onto this list of body work practices. It was not as painful of an experience as I thought it would be, but I did bleed in certain spots. I coupled this with massage most of the time & always felt very relaxed & far less anxious afterward.

Myofascial Release

While I credit massage with first opening my body to be able to start the release of my bodily reactions to the traumas I had experienced, it is myofascial release that gave me my first very visceral release of those reactions in my pelvic region. Having survived familial sexual & physical abuse you would think that I would be incredibly adverse to strangers touching me, & I was to a certain degree. I think that I had this idea in my mind of how I SHOULD react to strangers touching me. Once I took the time to research a practitioner, although I would still be very much anxious & activated when I went to appointments, I would trust that I would be ok. My practitioner was trauma informed & helped me to begin releasing things pretty quickly.

Trigger Point Injections

While most people wouldn’t necessarily classify this as “body work” I do. The reason for this is because when I would get the injections, I would eventually have an emotional release as the result of those muscles being released. It never fails, I become more clear in my emotions & can process them as they come to consciousness.

Float Therapy

This is the practice of floating in a shallow pool of water in pitch black darkness. This was the first time I had ever experienced something like this. I am afraid of the dark (don’t laugh) & being in a pool of water with what I thought were large openings that an anaconda could swim in through & take me out was enough to almost unnerve me completely (again don’t laugh). We all have our fears and the movie Anaconda helped solidify this even though I now know that real anacondas don’t act like that! It was a very good experience as I was able to release all the tension in my body & even fell asleep in the pool. Thank goodness I didn’t wake up thrashing about! I woke up feeling rested and wonderful.

Comforting Myself

I have a love of warm & cuddly things. Hear me out when I talk about how this is body work for me. I have several items of clothing, socks, shirts, & blankets that I use to wrap my body in warmth & comfort. My weighted blanket mimics being hugged by someone & allows me to release the days tension. I went through a long period of separation from others & it activated a lot of emotions that I have had to navigate, abandonment is the main one. So this has become a practice that serves me in dire times.

Getting In Tune With Your Body

All of this is a practice in getting in tune with my body and what works best for me. Seeing a doctor to ensure that nothing medical is the issue is also body work. Somatization (conversion of a mental state (such as depression or anxiety) into physical symptoms) does happen and can be distressing when you go to the doctor and are told there’s “nothing wrong with you”. We also know that the body reacts to traumatic experiences so try not to get to discouraged. These practices along with therapy and inner work helped me to heal the physical pain I was experiencing.

If you decide to try any of this make sure to talk to your doctor first, start slow, & build on your practice. It doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s journey, including mine.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it helps those that need it. Take care of yourselves mind, body, and soul. Until next time…I’ll see you along the journey.

Guru...I’m sure that this word brings to mind images of Ashrams & peaceful retreats to find ourselves. Although this word is closely associated with Hindu traditions, there are Gurus of all types in all societies. They are known as influencers, experts, teachers, mentors, & the list can go on & on. They are the people we see as “experts” in whatever domain we are seeking to improve in our lives. Here’s a western definition of guru: an influential teacher or popular expert. There is a pattern that I have noticed in my own life & the broader population...Guru worship. Let’s define this term: Guru worship is giving our power, resources, & time to an individual or group in hopes that it will heal us & give us release from our struggles. It is elevating humans to the level of God & thus giving our power to them. Guru worship & the mentality of seeking wholeness through others dis-empowers us from finding authenticity & wholeness in the one place it has always been, ourselves.

Disclaimer: There are leaders who have abused their power & hurt a lot of people AND there are leaders who have a genuine heart to help others. They do not seek to be anyone’s savior or god in the flesh. They simply want to help. We honor the latter. My style of coaching looks to the ones who hold all of the power in our lives, us. Without tapping into our own power we will never be able to heal/integrate the hurts, pains, & traumas we have experienced. If you are seeking to heal, look for those who will assist in the discovery of your power within.

As a trauma survivor, I have given away much of my power to the savior of the day. These saviors come in the form of Jesus, spiritualism, religious leaders, those who I believe have it all together, relationships (both platonic & romantic), bosses, substances, or anyone/anything that I felt could lead me out of the despair of a condition I didn’t even realize I had. That condition was Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or C-PTSD brought on by years of abuse at the hand of a family member. I found out much later in my life that this abuse was the reason I had so much heartache, sorrow, & disconnection from my body. C-PTSD was the natural response to that abuse in order to survive. I could not find peace within myself so I sought it in others. We will delve into this more in future posts. This post is designed to help you find out if you have landed in the right place. The answer is YES YOU HAVE! If you have suffered from any form of trauma & find yourself caught in the LOOP (Losing Ourselves in Other Priorities) then you have just landed in the right place, welcome aboard!

I always encourage people, whether you are a survivor or not, to look into things for yourself. This will help you to be informed in making decisions as it pertains to your wellbeing. A lot of people position themselves as experts but what you want to experience is being consistently led back to yourself and how you can overcome the challenges in your life. You should be getting better in whatever you are working on. It should be a collaborative approach. If you are asking for advice, know that you still have a choice in whether or not to take that advice.

I know that there are a lot of charlatans out there charging ridiculous amounts of money and then under delivering. No one can promise you outcomes such as “You will be healed from PTSD in 8 months”. This doesn’t work because each individual is unique and things happen in life that we can’t predict. What helps you to be able to withstand it all is being given tools that help you build resilience and self sufficiency so that when those things do crop up, you feel capable of handling it.

When it’s all said and done, the definition of a guru is harmless. It is the way that people manipulate others that is the problem. Giving your power to anyone is never going to work out well. Anyone who tries to convince you that they know better for you than you do in order to get you to buy their program is probably not the person you want to work with. Ask questions about outcomes, processes, and what all is involved. Talk to safe others in your life about it. Then if you feel that the program will help you achieve your goals go for it. The ultimate goal is to become a guru within your own life.

*Always, always, always speak to your doctor or licensed mental health professional when you suspect that you may have a condition that requires treatment. Take care of yourself and seek the help you need.

Our life view… everyone has their own personal lens that they view life through. Our lens is our collective experience whether we label it “good or bad”. Everything is pulled in & seen through this filter. It colors everything we experience whether we want it to or not. If we add trauma into the mix, our world may be small and full of woes that we don’t fully understand and didn’t ask for.

I challenge you to look at your lens. Right now all it requires is for you to begin to notice the emotions that you most frequently experience. You may be out of touch with your emotions & that’s OK, we can develop a practice to start naming each of them to determine what exactly we are feeling.

Here’s a simple practice that I use that can help you start to sift through your emotions & name them:

Naming Our Emotions:

Give your emotions a name.

Start by taking a seat in your favorite space. We will begin to make a space for ourselves to feel comfortable enough to express how we truly feel. It is important to note that you may not feel comfortable & that is OK. Training our minds to trust us is a practice that we will cultivate. Now try to pinpoint how you feel. Give a name to it. Write it down & any other feelings you may have or say it out loud if you are adverse to journaling (I have been for a large portion of my life, I will do a post about this). Then notice how often you feel that way as you go throughout the rest of your day. Revisit your favorite space & write about your experience before the week is out. Remember to be gentle with yourself you are cultivating a practice & it takes PRACTICE.

Talking to Safe People About Your Emotions:

As you begin to notice how you feel on a daily basis reflect on whether or not you have a safe person or persons to share those emotions with. If so, I encourage you to begin to talk about the states you find yourself in. If you do not have a safe person then begin to seek out someone. Yes it’s a scary step but it’s important. We heal in relationship not isolation. A therapist, coach, clergy, or any person you feel comfortable with is good start. Ask them if they can help support you in this. Tell them your intention & start slowly! Ensure that they are in fact a trustworthy person instead of trusting the title or credentials. There are incompetent people in all professions (as well as very competent ones) & part of trusting ourselves again is making choices about who to confide in. Don’t blindly trust, follow your gut (not your fear, more on that later), & be kind to yourself as you practice a different way of being.

Going Forward

This is a lifelong process that requires multiple ways of looking at what you have been through & are dealing with. I will cover these topics in my writings & hopefully provide some support as you move through your process. I cannot stress enough that each person is unique & therefore must be allowed to figure themselves out. Guidance is always helpful but holding yourself to a rigid way of being that does not allow for ambiguity & uncertainty does not help, it breeds resistance (a useful tool when viewed with compassion). Your resistance can show where your healing work begins, more on that later. You can adjust your lens & be mindful of knowing what lens you are looking through in any given moment. I hope that this musing has been helpful. If not please give feedback as to what does or doesn’t work.

Thanks for reading!

When people hear the word Healer, they may think of the outward manifestation of healing others. That is not what I mean when I call myself a Healer. I speak to my own journey, and the reluctance I’ve had in being the healer I need. Remember that as you engage with my musings…this is as much an exercise in continuing my healing as it is sharing with you that you may fully access yours.

I don’t give advice, I share from what I have seen work. This includes in my personal life and professional life (as a Coach & Leader of people). Advice is useful in a lot of contexts but as it pertains to healing, I’m very careful of all of the advice out there (and the advice I give). The biggest reason is that people get very attached to their advice and how you apply it. I’ve found that in the journey of healing, we often have to learn what works for us without the added fear and pressure of disappointing others. That pressure can paralyze us and push us back into hiding and I don’t want to be the person that puts you there, no matter how much I know that you are responsible for your own choices. I feel I have a duty to eliminate as much suffering as I can for others due to my own personal “stuff” without also hiding myself under a bush.

With all of that being said, you will benefit from taking what’s helpful and leaving the rest. I am human, I have answers but I do not have all the answers (or Your answers). I believe that lessons and understandings stick with people when they find them for themselves and that is also why I term myself a Guide…

Imagine, if you will, being in a valley. Huge mountains rise on either side and make it impossible to take the shortest route which is up, so we have to walk this valley. I do not stand on the mountain top asking you why you aren’t coming straight up. I understand that you aren’t a skilled mountain climber and you don’t have the gear to make such a treacherous journey. So I come down into the valley and as someone who’s had to make this journey, I help you by pointing out obstacles and giving you tools, helping you to decide how you will get passed them, and encouraging you when you doubt yourself. I listen intently, when you stop with fear, I stay with you. I help you remember it’s normal to experience what you are experiencing and that we will get there. As long as we keep moving forward, we will get there.

It’s helpful to have someone to walk the valley with you who’s not so focused on the outcome that they forget that the journey is just as important. Healing is not a one and done thing, at least it hasn’t been for me. I’ve had to apply and reapply things that I’ve learned about myself, how I view things, and the way the world works. It is for this reason that I talk about being a Reluctant Healer. I didn’t sign up for this and contrary to popular belief about resiliency, I had no choice. Through all of the tragedy in my life there was something birthed that will not allow me to lay down and give up. I’ve got to be honest with you about that…it’s exhausting. I don’t see myself as noble for not becoming my abusers because there was something there that simply wouldn’t let me. I felt more horrible when I wasn’t working on being a better person. If I didn’t have that drive then who knows who I’d be. I’m grateful I did not become those people but I have to be honest about that.

So as we embark on or continue our journey, remember that we get to decide what we pick up and lay down. People will have opinions, advice, and even misgivings but all of that is irrelevant in the grand scheme of who we are becoming. We decide, we change, we grow. And I feel that is the beauty of healing and recovery from the horrible parts of life.

Until next time…I’ll see you along the journey.